turning points

I didn’t get to everything I planned to tonight. I’ve been mopey for a week or so, and lower in energy. It feels a bit like my brain has been set back on its old frequencies, and I’m no longer able to summon up the feeling of inner peace and well being I usually can. This, in turn, exhausts me. I can feel negativity getting the better of me, and can hear the overly dramatic, self-pitying statements coming out in my voice, and am not happy about it. Yet I can’t seem to summon up the absolutely tranquil, idyllic state of mind I had a couple weeks ago. I hate it, because I finally felt like I’d turned some major corners on what Taoists call the Way, and it bothers me to feel my brain sliding back into its old configurations. It’s hard to describe, but it mostly feels like information and emotion isn’t being filtered quite the same way, isn’t producing the same reactions as it did two weeks ago.

Perhaps I’m just out of alignment because I had to quit my job today, which was stressful at best. I was shaking when I walked into my boss’ office to explain the situation. But he agreed with all my points, and I’m leaving on good terms. Which, in the long run, means a lot to me. I will miss that team of people, and I will want to be able to see them at mixers and events in the future without any negativity.

I also accepted and faxed back the offer letter to my new job, so that’s it. I’m signed, sealed, and after August 15th, I’ll be delivered.

Wow. I’m really scared about this. I’m terrified that I made the wrong decision, that I’ll hate the new job, and will have given up my much beloved place in the Binoculars for it. I’m frightened that I won’t ever find a job I like better than I did the Agency. I don’t think I’ve ever been this worried about a life change, not since I graduated UBC and had to face the real world. What if I don’t do well? What if I hate the clients? What if it isn’t what I thought? I’m terrified right now – but all I can do is wait and find out.

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